I mentioned in my last post that I decided to take a break from church for a little while. So far everyone that has spoken to me about my decision has been supportive. But I know that most likely there are people who read my post and don't understand my decision. So I want to give a bit of back story.
When we lost Samuel, our hearts were broken. In the storm of grief, we found ourselves lashing out at each other. We were new to grief, never having lost anyone closer than a grandparent. We didn't realize that we would grieve differently and sometimes those differences seemed to push us apart.
We lost Samuel in the midst of Easter season. As I said in my last post, our church was observing the Daniel Fast, a 3-week partial food fast, and we were encouraged to bring something--a problem, a question, a desire--to the Lord and implore him for guidance, an answer, or provision. The fast ended Easter Sunday and a few weeks later, at the end of a church service, the Pastor invited us to celebrate the ways that we'd seen the Lord meet us miraculously during that season. My husband and I had to get up and leave, it was so painful to be in the midst of that celebration knowing that we had lost a dear child the very weekend that was the focus of celebration. Thankfully we ran into one of the associate pastors who knew our story and walked with Nathan through this pain, he prayed for us in the lobby. When we got to the car, I reflected that if the lead pastor had been willing to give a small caveat, a qualification to the celebration, something along the lines of, "Now I know that not everyone received miracles during this time. In fact some of you may have heard painful 'nos' from the Lord. But I want to invite you to rejoice with those who rejoice even as we've mourned with you,"... if there had been some sort of acknowledgement of the pain that we were in, I would have been able to enter into that time of celebration. As it was, I left in tears, feeling isolated and mostly alone.
We decided to talk to a couple of counselors from our church; we knew we needed help. By the time we landed in their office we were in a better place. Between the Sunday of celebration and our meeting with the counselors, I remember sitting at church, being broken in such a sweet, tender way by the Lord. I don't remember the sermon or the context, but I remember sitting in a chair, feeling for the first time that the Lord was my Father, sitting next to me with his arm around me, grieving with me. As opposed to sitting up in heaven with my baby (there was a subtext there that I wouldn't allow myself to voice: he was in heaven with the baby he had taken from me).
So when we arrived in the counselors' office, I felt like I was on the upswing. I was seeing the presence of the Lord around me, I knew the right answers to my deepest fear (I knew the Lord did NOT take my baby), and Nathan and I had reopened lines of healthy communication and were supporting each other well.
I felt like I was just starting to recover. We stepped out in faith and tried again for a baby, getting pregnant right away. When I did the math and realized I was due March 18th, right around Easter, I secretly hoped that I could take it as a promise from the Lord that this baby would live. Maybe a redemption of the previous Easter. New life where there was once death (not that Cora would have replaced Samuel in any way, but my mind was and is, eager to draw meaning from numbers that supports my own desire).
When we were losing Cora, I subconsciously tried to pray differently, hoping to yield a different result from the Lord. I thought I could manipulate the Lord to do what I wanted. After we confirmed her passing, I actively tried to lean into the Lord's presence, I didn't want to repeat the silence we shared after Samuel died. I wrestled with questions of why I believe, what do I expect of the Lord, and why do I pray. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of my hope. It's like physical therapy after an injury; it hurts so much but you've got to keep it up. Sometimes it's easy to convince yourself that you're all better and you don't need help to recover anymore so you stop doing the hard work of healing. That's pretty much what happened to me, I stopped leaning into the Lord and my pain.
The pain was too big for my heart to bear. So I stopped. I stopped thinking about the Lord or my lost babies. I took on more hours and responsibilities at work and poured myself into caring for my amazing family (they are pretty stinking amazing). And the thing is, when you've grown up in a family of Christians who are thoughtful about the faith they hold, you know all the right answers. Knowing all the right answers kept me from asking the questions that were dwelling in the deepest places of my heart.
In December when we attended church and the pastor said what he did, to the effect of, "People who are faithful are blessed", I just felt my heart constrict within me. The only conclusion to draw from that statement is that people who are not blessed must be unfaithful. Does that mean that God didn't bless us with Samuel or Cora because we weren't faithful? This was my deepest fear, one that I wasn't able to bring to light yet. As we left I realized that my heart was pulling away from the Lord. At the time, I was okay with that. I was comfortable continuing to go through the motions without bringing my pain and questions to the Lord. (I think my pastor meant well and he didn't say exactly that, but in my hurt, that's what I heard him saying. I don't mean to start drama, but I share because this is part of my story.)
I think my turning point came later in December when I had the chance to join my husband and his co-workers at Regional Staff Conference for InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. While we were there I had the chance to fellowship with fellow wives and mothers and I shared with two women about the year we had. One of them asked a few questions like,"How are you coping?" that helped me to see the ways that I hadn't really dealt with the pain of this year. Her questions helped me to see that I couldn't keep up the pace that I was using to keep myself from the Lord. I wasn't without the Lord and healthy, I was without the Lord and unhealthy. Something needed to change. She encouraged me to take a day of retreat, something that my husband is incredibly supportive of (he's really the best, Happy Anniversary honey!!).
So I took a day, went to Barnes & Noble, and bought "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis. I read it in one sitting at the B&N cafe. The book is the journal that Lewis kept after his wife died. This book was indescribably helpful for me. Lewis is one of those people whose theology is well-respected in my family and to hear him asking questions of God like, "how can he be good?"... well, it gave me words for my feelings and freedom to express them. I realized that I needed more than a monthly or bi-monthly day of retreat to recover. I needed weekly or daily time to read and re-discover my faith.
So I decided to take a break from Sunday morning church. This should give me a minimum of a weekly time when I have the house myself and I'm able to bring my questions and my emotions and my pain to the Lord. My intention is to continue on in our Small Group and in community with other believers. Recently Nathan returned from National Staff Conference with InterVarsity and he was impacted by the speaking of John Ortberg (more on that later!). After discussing one particular part of the conference with Nathan I realized that at church I've been surrounded by some people who are in denial to the pain and suffering in the world, believing that victory has already come. On the other hand, I've been in despair, unable to see the hope of the work of redemption that's currently in progress. Being around people in denial has pushed me further into my own despair. Taking a break from church is chance for me to rebuild my foundation and reclaim my hope. I have every intention of returning to church but for now I need some space to heal.
I'm beginning to hope again. And I believe that the Lord will meet me here, in my honest questions and my brokenness.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
2013: The Year from Hell
Many of you know that this year has been difficult for us. Many of you know that this year we found out that our older son has Autism and you might assume that his diagnosis was the reason for our difficult year. That's only a small part of the story.
We lost two children this year.
In December, 2012, when Nathan was at Urbana, I started to think that I might be ready to have another baby. At the time, James was 3 and Liam was about 1 1/2. I thought we might wait a few months but that we might have a baby in 2013. When Nathan returned from Urbana I was surprised to learn that he had started to consider growing our family as well. We even took it as a sign of the Lord's leading that we had both begun to think of it at the same time. We weren't sure if we had a solid plan as far as childcare and finances go, but we also knew that we hadn't had plans for James or Liam and that the Lord had provided. This would be the first time that we intentionally "tried" to get pregnant and we were excited to see how the Lord would provide and lead our family.
We got pregnant quickly, I found out in March 20th that I was pregnant, due November 30th. We were in the midst of the Daniel Fast at the church we attend (a 3-week partial food fast). The church was preparing for Easter. March 27th I began bleeding. I knew something was wrong and went in to my OB office as soon as it opened. Their pregnancy test was negative but they drew blood to see what the hormone levels were in my bloodstream (it's important after a miscarriage to make sure the hormone levels return to normal). My levels were higher than the midwife expected and she wanted to test them again to determine if this was a "miscarriage or an abnormal pregnancy." They typically need 48 hours between blood tests in order to track the hormone levels. The 27th was a Wednesday and the 29th was Good Friday and the office was closed. We would need to wait until Monday before we could have the follow-up test. I knew the chance of a pregnancy that would lead to a live birth was slim to none. It would take a miracle, one could call it a raising from the dead... As we entered into Easter weekend I couldn't help but hope. The disciples didn't have any reason to hope that they'd ever see Jesus again. He was dead. And yet... he was raised from the dead. The sermon series during that month highlighted the power of prayer. There were so many stories of God coming through at the Eleventh Hour with a miracle, some sign that he's there and he cares for us and he's powerful. I thought to myself, what if as a result of this baby living we have a new understanding of the miracle of Easter, how special would that be?!
Unfortunately that would not be the case. On Monday the pregnancy hormone level in my blood was down considerably. It confirmed a miscarriage. We were assured that just because it happened once, it doesn't mean it'll happen again. We could try to get pregnant again in a month or so and we should have no reason to be overly concerned that it'd happen again. In the week that we knew about this child we had discussed baby names; we both felt in our guts that this child was a boy. In my mind, I had kept coming back to the name "Samuel". For a middle name, I thought. My prayer for my children is that they would hear the word of the Lord and obey it, as Samuel in the Bible had done from the time he was a child. When our world was crashing down around us we had a small measure of comfort know that our baby is in Heaven, with our Lord. And so we chose to name him Samuel because, just like Samuel from the Bible, our baby will spend his whole life in service to the Lord.
During that month we got a referral for James from our pediatrician and in April he received a pre-screen from Pitt County Schools and determined that he should receive a full evaluation to determine if he had any delays or disabilities that would require services from the State to help prepare him for Kindergarten.
In July, just after Liam turned 2, we received a referral for Liam to be evaluated by the CDSA for his speech delay (when a child is 3 or older he is referred to the school system, if he is younger than 3 he is referred to the CDSA, a different department in the State's infrastructure).
Also in June, about 3 months after losing Samuel, we decided to try again for a baby. We felt like fear was the only thing holding us back from trying again. Again, we got pregnant right away. We found out July 8th, while Nathan was traveling for work, that we were expecting again, due March 18th. We scheduled a doctor's appointment right away. The test they did was positive and they gave us the choice of waiting to have our next appointment at 9 weeks, when they typically start prenatal appointments, or doing some blood work to test my hormone levels and scheduling an ultrasound at 7 weeks to determine if there was a heartbeat. We decided to go ahead with blood work and the ultrasound, the tension was thick and we couldn't help but be fearful.
The rule of thumb for typically developing baby is that the hormone levels double every 48 hours. So we entered the waiting game. Test 1: 400. Test 2: 700, it was going up but not doubling so they ordered another test. Again, it went up but didn't double, so we needed another test. We did a total of 5 blood tests. Most of my correspondence with the OBGYN was messages sent through the nurses so I really had no idea what was going on. Finally, I was told to come in for an ultrasound at about 5 weeks. They wanted to confirm that the pregnancy wasn't ectopic, which was pretty much my worst fear. I couldn't stand the thought of choosing for this baby to die, even if there was no chance of her reaching full-term. Thankfully, the ultrasound revealed a fetal sac in my uterus. There was not a heartbeat yet, so they scheduled another ultrasound for the following week. Still no heartbeat but the sac had grown so they weren't "ready to call it" yet. We scheduled a third ultrasound for the next week, just before Nathan would have to leave town for about 4 days for work. Two days after my 2nd ultrasound I began to cramp and bleed heavily. It was July 31st.
I knew there was nothing the doctor could do and we had plans to spend the day with my parents, my sister, and my sister's children in Raleigh. My parents are missionaries in Nigeria and they were stateside for a few weeks. This would be our one day to gather the grandchildren and enjoy each others' company. I had hoped to reveal to my parents that day that we were pregnant. We would've heard the baby's heartbeat by then and we could rejoice together at this new life. Instead, I had to break the news to them, over dinner at Moe's, that we were in the midst of losing another baby. I went to work the next few days, broken; experiencing pain emotionally and physically. The cramps were awful. I should've just stayed home, but there was no one to cover my duties and I knew that missing work would hurt their business and that staying home wouldn't change our situation. Nathan and I had both felt in our guts, that this baby was a girl. In my mind and heart, she was always "Cora", a family name from my side of the family, which means "maiden".
In August we found out that Liam was speaking at an 8mo level (he was then 26mos) and that he has difficulty regulating how his body responds to sensory input. He began Speech therapy and Occupational Therapy. In October, James received his evaluation from the school system and we learned that he has High-Functioning Autism and many of the same sensory issues that Liam has. He began to receive one-on-one help from the state at his preschool and occupational therapy. Unfortunately the preschool that the boys were at had a difficult time accommodating their special needs and director made an abrupt decision at Thanksgiving that the boys could stay at their school until Christmas but that we would need to find a different school after that. Knowing that we would be traveling a lot during December, we decided to keep them home in December with the hope of finding a new school for them in January.
And so ended 2013: the year from hell.
Not surprisingly, I've had a hard time processing the blow after blow. Healing is still a long way off. I've recently decided that I need to take a break from church in order to intentionally process and redefine my relationship with God. Sometimes the things that I hear at church make my heart contract. I feel wounded and shut down and it's been pushing me away from God. (The pastor recently said something to the effect of "Don't you ever wonder why God's blessing just seem to come down on certain people? It's because they're being faithful")
I've declared this 2014: the year of restoration. I started reading "Hind's Feet on High Places"; I read it once about 5 years ago and I loved it. I also started reading "Streams in the Desert", a daily devotional recommended by a friend. My jury is still out on this one... some of the entries I've glanced through almost have that "claim your victory" mindset that makes me cringe. Finally, I'm reading "In Search of Deep Faith." I'm really excited about this one. It's the story of a father who took his family on a pilgrimage through Europe to visit important landmarks of Christianity, over-lain with the history of those men and women, many of whom gave their lives for their faith in Christ. It's the kind of book that doesn't gloss or sugar coat the suffering that Christians experience; and it calls the audience to deeper faith, which is exactly what I need right now.
Here's to meeting the Lord this year.
FAQ's: 1) Were we trying? um, yes. Firstly, if we had been surprised by a pregnancy that we lost, we would probably make damn sure not to get pregnant "accidentally" a second time. Secondly, consider the subtext of this question before you ask it of someone who is suffering after a miscarriage. It communicates that you're attempting to categorize their suffering. As in, if I wasn't "trying" to have this baby, maybe I won't miss her. (Sorry, when this is the first question I'm asked after sharing that I've had a miscarriage, it makes me feel like, instead of mourning with me, you're attempting to categorize my hurt, it's a sore point for me)
2) Do we know why? The answer is no. We don't know why we had two miscarriages. We don't know why James has autism. There's no strong family history of miscarriage or autism. Sometimes things happen and we don't know why. According to the Doctor at the OBGYN, "25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth and [I'm] just on the wrong end of that percentage". I'm pursuing some theories with my Primary Care Physician but the OBGYN is currently not interested in running any tests because I already have 2 kids so we know I "can have babies" as the Doctor said.
This is a hard thing to share. Our culture doesn't know how to mourn well. Or how to comfort those who are mourning. Sometimes when people attempt to make me feel better they just hurt me more. It's been easier to keep this loss private than to open myself up to the ways people try to explain away suffering. But I need to share. As part of my own healing, I need so share our story and make our grief public. These two children need to be mourned. Our family will never be complete this side of heaven. We will always miss Samuel and Cora. I also need to share because people don't realize how often this happens and how many other women are going through what they're going through. We need support and it's hard to get when we don't let other people in.
If you're wondering what an appropriate response is, here are some excellent options: "I'm so sorry to hear that", "I'm broken hearted with you and for your family", "thank you for sharing this, I'll be praying for your family".
We lost two children this year.
In December, 2012, when Nathan was at Urbana, I started to think that I might be ready to have another baby. At the time, James was 3 and Liam was about 1 1/2. I thought we might wait a few months but that we might have a baby in 2013. When Nathan returned from Urbana I was surprised to learn that he had started to consider growing our family as well. We even took it as a sign of the Lord's leading that we had both begun to think of it at the same time. We weren't sure if we had a solid plan as far as childcare and finances go, but we also knew that we hadn't had plans for James or Liam and that the Lord had provided. This would be the first time that we intentionally "tried" to get pregnant and we were excited to see how the Lord would provide and lead our family.
We got pregnant quickly, I found out in March 20th that I was pregnant, due November 30th. We were in the midst of the Daniel Fast at the church we attend (a 3-week partial food fast). The church was preparing for Easter. March 27th I began bleeding. I knew something was wrong and went in to my OB office as soon as it opened. Their pregnancy test was negative but they drew blood to see what the hormone levels were in my bloodstream (it's important after a miscarriage to make sure the hormone levels return to normal). My levels were higher than the midwife expected and she wanted to test them again to determine if this was a "miscarriage or an abnormal pregnancy." They typically need 48 hours between blood tests in order to track the hormone levels. The 27th was a Wednesday and the 29th was Good Friday and the office was closed. We would need to wait until Monday before we could have the follow-up test. I knew the chance of a pregnancy that would lead to a live birth was slim to none. It would take a miracle, one could call it a raising from the dead... As we entered into Easter weekend I couldn't help but hope. The disciples didn't have any reason to hope that they'd ever see Jesus again. He was dead. And yet... he was raised from the dead. The sermon series during that month highlighted the power of prayer. There were so many stories of God coming through at the Eleventh Hour with a miracle, some sign that he's there and he cares for us and he's powerful. I thought to myself, what if as a result of this baby living we have a new understanding of the miracle of Easter, how special would that be?!
Unfortunately that would not be the case. On Monday the pregnancy hormone level in my blood was down considerably. It confirmed a miscarriage. We were assured that just because it happened once, it doesn't mean it'll happen again. We could try to get pregnant again in a month or so and we should have no reason to be overly concerned that it'd happen again. In the week that we knew about this child we had discussed baby names; we both felt in our guts that this child was a boy. In my mind, I had kept coming back to the name "Samuel". For a middle name, I thought. My prayer for my children is that they would hear the word of the Lord and obey it, as Samuel in the Bible had done from the time he was a child. When our world was crashing down around us we had a small measure of comfort know that our baby is in Heaven, with our Lord. And so we chose to name him Samuel because, just like Samuel from the Bible, our baby will spend his whole life in service to the Lord.
During that month we got a referral for James from our pediatrician and in April he received a pre-screen from Pitt County Schools and determined that he should receive a full evaluation to determine if he had any delays or disabilities that would require services from the State to help prepare him for Kindergarten.
In July, just after Liam turned 2, we received a referral for Liam to be evaluated by the CDSA for his speech delay (when a child is 3 or older he is referred to the school system, if he is younger than 3 he is referred to the CDSA, a different department in the State's infrastructure).
Also in June, about 3 months after losing Samuel, we decided to try again for a baby. We felt like fear was the only thing holding us back from trying again. Again, we got pregnant right away. We found out July 8th, while Nathan was traveling for work, that we were expecting again, due March 18th. We scheduled a doctor's appointment right away. The test they did was positive and they gave us the choice of waiting to have our next appointment at 9 weeks, when they typically start prenatal appointments, or doing some blood work to test my hormone levels and scheduling an ultrasound at 7 weeks to determine if there was a heartbeat. We decided to go ahead with blood work and the ultrasound, the tension was thick and we couldn't help but be fearful.
The rule of thumb for typically developing baby is that the hormone levels double every 48 hours. So we entered the waiting game. Test 1: 400. Test 2: 700, it was going up but not doubling so they ordered another test. Again, it went up but didn't double, so we needed another test. We did a total of 5 blood tests. Most of my correspondence with the OBGYN was messages sent through the nurses so I really had no idea what was going on. Finally, I was told to come in for an ultrasound at about 5 weeks. They wanted to confirm that the pregnancy wasn't ectopic, which was pretty much my worst fear. I couldn't stand the thought of choosing for this baby to die, even if there was no chance of her reaching full-term. Thankfully, the ultrasound revealed a fetal sac in my uterus. There was not a heartbeat yet, so they scheduled another ultrasound for the following week. Still no heartbeat but the sac had grown so they weren't "ready to call it" yet. We scheduled a third ultrasound for the next week, just before Nathan would have to leave town for about 4 days for work. Two days after my 2nd ultrasound I began to cramp and bleed heavily. It was July 31st.
I knew there was nothing the doctor could do and we had plans to spend the day with my parents, my sister, and my sister's children in Raleigh. My parents are missionaries in Nigeria and they were stateside for a few weeks. This would be our one day to gather the grandchildren and enjoy each others' company. I had hoped to reveal to my parents that day that we were pregnant. We would've heard the baby's heartbeat by then and we could rejoice together at this new life. Instead, I had to break the news to them, over dinner at Moe's, that we were in the midst of losing another baby. I went to work the next few days, broken; experiencing pain emotionally and physically. The cramps were awful. I should've just stayed home, but there was no one to cover my duties and I knew that missing work would hurt their business and that staying home wouldn't change our situation. Nathan and I had both felt in our guts, that this baby was a girl. In my mind and heart, she was always "Cora", a family name from my side of the family, which means "maiden".
In August we found out that Liam was speaking at an 8mo level (he was then 26mos) and that he has difficulty regulating how his body responds to sensory input. He began Speech therapy and Occupational Therapy. In October, James received his evaluation from the school system and we learned that he has High-Functioning Autism and many of the same sensory issues that Liam has. He began to receive one-on-one help from the state at his preschool and occupational therapy. Unfortunately the preschool that the boys were at had a difficult time accommodating their special needs and director made an abrupt decision at Thanksgiving that the boys could stay at their school until Christmas but that we would need to find a different school after that. Knowing that we would be traveling a lot during December, we decided to keep them home in December with the hope of finding a new school for them in January.
And so ended 2013: the year from hell.
Not surprisingly, I've had a hard time processing the blow after blow. Healing is still a long way off. I've recently decided that I need to take a break from church in order to intentionally process and redefine my relationship with God. Sometimes the things that I hear at church make my heart contract. I feel wounded and shut down and it's been pushing me away from God. (The pastor recently said something to the effect of "Don't you ever wonder why God's blessing just seem to come down on certain people? It's because they're being faithful")
I've declared this 2014: the year of restoration. I started reading "Hind's Feet on High Places"; I read it once about 5 years ago and I loved it. I also started reading "Streams in the Desert", a daily devotional recommended by a friend. My jury is still out on this one... some of the entries I've glanced through almost have that "claim your victory" mindset that makes me cringe. Finally, I'm reading "In Search of Deep Faith." I'm really excited about this one. It's the story of a father who took his family on a pilgrimage through Europe to visit important landmarks of Christianity, over-lain with the history of those men and women, many of whom gave their lives for their faith in Christ. It's the kind of book that doesn't gloss or sugar coat the suffering that Christians experience; and it calls the audience to deeper faith, which is exactly what I need right now.
Here's to meeting the Lord this year.
FAQ's: 1) Were we trying? um, yes. Firstly, if we had been surprised by a pregnancy that we lost, we would probably make damn sure not to get pregnant "accidentally" a second time. Secondly, consider the subtext of this question before you ask it of someone who is suffering after a miscarriage. It communicates that you're attempting to categorize their suffering. As in, if I wasn't "trying" to have this baby, maybe I won't miss her. (Sorry, when this is the first question I'm asked after sharing that I've had a miscarriage, it makes me feel like, instead of mourning with me, you're attempting to categorize my hurt, it's a sore point for me)
2) Do we know why? The answer is no. We don't know why we had two miscarriages. We don't know why James has autism. There's no strong family history of miscarriage or autism. Sometimes things happen and we don't know why. According to the Doctor at the OBGYN, "25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth and [I'm] just on the wrong end of that percentage". I'm pursuing some theories with my Primary Care Physician but the OBGYN is currently not interested in running any tests because I already have 2 kids so we know I "can have babies" as the Doctor said.
This is a hard thing to share. Our culture doesn't know how to mourn well. Or how to comfort those who are mourning. Sometimes when people attempt to make me feel better they just hurt me more. It's been easier to keep this loss private than to open myself up to the ways people try to explain away suffering. But I need to share. As part of my own healing, I need so share our story and make our grief public. These two children need to be mourned. Our family will never be complete this side of heaven. We will always miss Samuel and Cora. I also need to share because people don't realize how often this happens and how many other women are going through what they're going through. We need support and it's hard to get when we don't let other people in.
If you're wondering what an appropriate response is, here are some excellent options: "I'm so sorry to hear that", "I'm broken hearted with you and for your family", "thank you for sharing this, I'll be praying for your family".
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Trust Your Nose!
September 1st will mark one year since I began my career baking professionally at a local restaurant. It's been a wonderful year and I have learned so much about myself, my family, cooking, and baking since I began.
One thing that I've learned is that you should always trust your nose. We use gas ovens at work and they're affected by humidity and other factors that I don't fully understand. I've learned that some recipes that were finished reliably at 16 minutes in my home oven are done at 13 or 14 minutes when I'm at work. When the smell of whatever I'm baking starts wafting out of the oven it's often a sign that my muffins/bagels/rolls are nearly finished. I've learned to trust my instincts & my nose when I'm working in the kitchen. Don't put too much faith in your kitchen timer if your nose is telling you it's done.
Recently I purchased a used book at the suggestion of an experienced chef from another restaurant. The Professional Pastry Chef is a textbook used for many baking/culinary students. I bought the 3rd edition, not the newest, for $15 online and I'm so excited to start testing recipes.
My first attempted recipe from The Professional Pastry Chef was Pizza Dough. We've tried a few other dough recipes & they've all been pretty decent but we've struggled to find a crust that was sturdy without being overdone. This crust was perfect. When I reached the end of the recipe & noticed that author, Bo Friberg, hadn't included instructions on how long to bake the pie, I didn't panic. I knew that I could trust my nose & check it a few times. The result was wonderful.
Also, since most professional bakers weigh their ingredients instead of measuring by volume, the bread flour here is listed only by weight as that's how Friberg wrote the recipe. If you have a kitchen scale, just break it out, set your mixing bowl on top & zero out the scale after every added ingredient :).
Pizza Dough
Ingredients:
1/2 oz (15 g) fresh yeast (or .25oz/2 1/4 tsp/1 packet dry yeast)
3/4 c. (180ml) water, at room temperature
1 tsp. (5g) granulated sugar
2 tbsp (30ml) olive oil
1 tsp. (5g) salt
1 tbsp. (15ml) honey
10 oz (285g) bread flour
Directions:
1) Dissolve yeast in the water (help it along by squeezing it w/your fingers) in a mixer bowl.{I skipped this part since I use dry instant yeast}
2) Mix in the sugar, olive oil, salt, & honey.
3) Add the flour & knead w/the dough hook until the dough has a smooth, elastic consistency, about 10 minutes. {I had to add a few more tbsp of flour for it to come together}
4) Place the dough in an oiled bowl, turn to coat both sides with oil, cover, and let rise until slightly less than doubled in volume.
5) Place the dough, covered, in the refrigerator for at least two hours. Bring the dough to room temperature before proceeding. {I pulled mine out a little early bc I was really pressed for time~ after about 1 1/2 hrs}
6) Divide the dough in half. On a floured board, roll & stretch the dough with your hands to make each piece into a 10- to 12- inch circle.
7) Top as desired & bake at 450F on a heated pizza stone or a thin sheet pan placed in the bottom of the oven to allow the crust to brown on the bottom. {I didn't preheat my sheet pan}
Enjoy!
One thing that I've learned is that you should always trust your nose. We use gas ovens at work and they're affected by humidity and other factors that I don't fully understand. I've learned that some recipes that were finished reliably at 16 minutes in my home oven are done at 13 or 14 minutes when I'm at work. When the smell of whatever I'm baking starts wafting out of the oven it's often a sign that my muffins/bagels/rolls are nearly finished. I've learned to trust my instincts & my nose when I'm working in the kitchen. Don't put too much faith in your kitchen timer if your nose is telling you it's done.
Recently I purchased a used book at the suggestion of an experienced chef from another restaurant. The Professional Pastry Chef is a textbook used for many baking/culinary students. I bought the 3rd edition, not the newest, for $15 online and I'm so excited to start testing recipes.
My first attempted recipe from The Professional Pastry Chef was Pizza Dough. We've tried a few other dough recipes & they've all been pretty decent but we've struggled to find a crust that was sturdy without being overdone. This crust was perfect. When I reached the end of the recipe & noticed that author, Bo Friberg, hadn't included instructions on how long to bake the pie, I didn't panic. I knew that I could trust my nose & check it a few times. The result was wonderful.
Also, since most professional bakers weigh their ingredients instead of measuring by volume, the bread flour here is listed only by weight as that's how Friberg wrote the recipe. If you have a kitchen scale, just break it out, set your mixing bowl on top & zero out the scale after every added ingredient :).
Pizza Dough
Ingredients:
1/2 oz (15 g) fresh yeast (or .25oz/2 1/4 tsp/1 packet dry yeast)
3/4 c. (180ml) water, at room temperature
1 tsp. (5g) granulated sugar
2 tbsp (30ml) olive oil
1 tsp. (5g) salt
1 tbsp. (15ml) honey
10 oz (285g) bread flour
Directions:
1) Dissolve yeast in the water (help it along by squeezing it w/your fingers) in a mixer bowl.{I skipped this part since I use dry instant yeast}
2) Mix in the sugar, olive oil, salt, & honey.
3) Add the flour & knead w/the dough hook until the dough has a smooth, elastic consistency, about 10 minutes. {I had to add a few more tbsp of flour for it to come together}
4) Place the dough in an oiled bowl, turn to coat both sides with oil, cover, and let rise until slightly less than doubled in volume.
5) Place the dough, covered, in the refrigerator for at least two hours. Bring the dough to room temperature before proceeding. {I pulled mine out a little early bc I was really pressed for time~ after about 1 1/2 hrs}
6) Divide the dough in half. On a floured board, roll & stretch the dough with your hands to make each piece into a 10- to 12- inch circle.
7) Top as desired & bake at 450F on a heated pizza stone or a thin sheet pan placed in the bottom of the oven to allow the crust to brown on the bottom. {I didn't preheat my sheet pan}
Enjoy!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
CrockPot Cooking
Sometimes I think that I should be a different, better version mom than the one I am. I want to be the mom that coupons every week, the one that makes her own laundry detergent & cleans the bathrooms every week with homemade cleaners. But that's just not me. I've come to the realization that every person needs to find their own balance. I try to buy fragrance & dye free soaps, but I don't necessarily get the organic ones. I try to buy healthy foods w/real food ingredients, but if my kid eats a few chicken nuggets or a poptart once in awhile, I'm not going to sweat it. The point is to figure out what homemade/healthy tasks bring you joy and (to some extent) let the rest of it go.
One thing that often brings me joy is cooking. Unfortunately with a very curious two year old & an also curious 8 mo old, I don't always have the time or patience to cook a healthy dinner. I love the idea of using the crockpot. I can prep ahead then I don't have to freak out when 5 o'clock rolls around, the kids are going nuts, & dinner needs to be ready in an hour. The thing is, I leave for work before 6 every morning & I'm just not going to get up early to prep the crockpot. Sorry, that might make me a bad mom or lazy or something, but I'm just not going to do it. Then I usually get home around noon. Lunch time for the kids then nap-time. They're usually not settled for naps until 1 or 2pm (and need virtually constant attention until then) which doesn't leave enough time for the crockpot to do it's thing (especially after I do the prep).
I recently joined pinterest and found a couple pins that explain how to do once-a-month cooking. If you chop & drop all your veggies, add your meat & seasonings, then you just freeze your bags of food. Boom. When I get home from work, pull out a bag, dump it in the crock pot & add some liquid (usually chicken stock) and we're good to go.
Today I prepped & froze 9 bags of food for the crockpot! I did my grocery shopping yesterday & wrote the labels for the bags. Today I finished by lunchtime! I had somethings already on hand (butternut squash, chicken-purchased at Harris Teeter, 6 chicken leg quarters for $3.25, celery, curry paste, seasonings) and when I went shopping I bought more than just supplies for this (fresh fruit, snacks for James' pre-school class, etc). Even so, I only spent $75!
I made Mediterranean Stew, Chicken Curry, Creamy Chicken & Mushrooms, Chicken Stew with Herb Dumplings, Butternut Squash Soup, Cauliflower Bisque, & Tomato Basil soup.
I got most of the recipes from my Rival Crockpot Simple 1-2-3 Slow Cooker Recipes cookbook & one (Butternut Squash Soup) from www.crockpot365.blogspot.com. The Chicken Curry was all me, so I'll give you that recipe & my general method :).
Start by preparing your workspace. Pull out bowls for all your vegetables & gather all of the fresh vegetables. One at a time, prep each of your vegetables (e.g. peel & slice all the carrots; then peel & dice your potatoes, etc).
Next gather all of your seasonings.
Finally, I pulled out my blender. I took the top & bottom off so I was left with just the glass. I fitted my gallon-size freezer bag in the blender w/the top of the bag folded over the top of the blender. This provided a nearly perfect space to fill my bags mess-free (I say nearly perfect because some of my bags were too full & I had to take them out of the blender to fit everything). First I added my vegetables, then I added any liquid I was freezing (I think that just applied to the Tomato Basil soup where I had to add some of the liquid from the canned tomatoes), then seasonings, & finally the meat. Then I double bagged everything & layered it in my freezer. Easy Peasy.
Finished Product!
One other note about Crock-Pot recipes. A lot of them call for certain cuts of meat or certain vegetables. Most of the time it's not a problem to substitute things out to accommodate what you already have on hand. For instance: if a recipe calls for chicken breast cut into 1-inch cubes and all you have is drumsticks or chicken leg quarters, no worries. Just stick it on the bottom (so it's covered & surrounded by the heat), cook it for awhile, then pull it out, shred it, & replace it. More than anything, make sure it's cooked all the way. The good news is that you really can't overcook anything. It might get extra mushy, but eh, it's the crockpot, it's probably already mushy. Also, I wasn't planning to put eggplant or zucchini in this recipe when I started, but I had some leftover from the Mediterranean Stew so I figured, Why Not? No reason to let that go to waste!
Crockpot Curry with Chicken
1 16oz pkg frozen cauliflower
1 cup chopped onion
2 cups sliced carrot
1 cup celery
1/2 cup green beans
1 cup eggplant, 1-in cubes
1 sliced zucchini
1 tbsp minced garlic (or 1 clove minced garlic)
2 tbsp Patak's Mild Curry Paste (this is a paste of the basic curry spices, I found it at my local Harris Teeter supermarket)
1 chicken leg quarter
1 can of coconut milk
1 cup chicken broth
Put all of your veggies in a gallon size bag, add garlic & curry paste. I kept my chicken in a separate bag because it wouldn't fit.
Day of: dump bag into crockpot, add broth & coconut milk. Cook on Hi 4-5 hrs or Lo 8-10. Serve it over rice or with Naan.
On each bag, I wrote the name of the recipe, any instructions, and the date. "Chicken Curry. Add 1 can coconut milk + 1 c. chicken broth. Hi 4-5 Lo 8-10. Serve w/rice or naan. 3-10-12"
One thing that often brings me joy is cooking. Unfortunately with a very curious two year old & an also curious 8 mo old, I don't always have the time or patience to cook a healthy dinner. I love the idea of using the crockpot. I can prep ahead then I don't have to freak out when 5 o'clock rolls around, the kids are going nuts, & dinner needs to be ready in an hour. The thing is, I leave for work before 6 every morning & I'm just not going to get up early to prep the crockpot. Sorry, that might make me a bad mom or lazy or something, but I'm just not going to do it. Then I usually get home around noon. Lunch time for the kids then nap-time. They're usually not settled for naps until 1 or 2pm (and need virtually constant attention until then) which doesn't leave enough time for the crockpot to do it's thing (especially after I do the prep).
I recently joined pinterest and found a couple pins that explain how to do once-a-month cooking. If you chop & drop all your veggies, add your meat & seasonings, then you just freeze your bags of food. Boom. When I get home from work, pull out a bag, dump it in the crock pot & add some liquid (usually chicken stock) and we're good to go.
Today I prepped & froze 9 bags of food for the crockpot! I did my grocery shopping yesterday & wrote the labels for the bags. Today I finished by lunchtime! I had somethings already on hand (butternut squash, chicken-purchased at Harris Teeter, 6 chicken leg quarters for $3.25, celery, curry paste, seasonings) and when I went shopping I bought more than just supplies for this (fresh fruit, snacks for James' pre-school class, etc). Even so, I only spent $75!
I made Mediterranean Stew, Chicken Curry, Creamy Chicken & Mushrooms, Chicken Stew with Herb Dumplings, Butternut Squash Soup, Cauliflower Bisque, & Tomato Basil soup.
I got most of the recipes from my Rival Crockpot Simple 1-2-3 Slow Cooker Recipes cookbook & one (Butternut Squash Soup) from www.crockpot365.blogspot.com. The Chicken Curry was all me, so I'll give you that recipe & my general method :).
Start by preparing your workspace. Pull out bowls for all your vegetables & gather all of the fresh vegetables. One at a time, prep each of your vegetables (e.g. peel & slice all the carrots; then peel & dice your potatoes, etc).
Next gather all of your seasonings.
Finally, I pulled out my blender. I took the top & bottom off so I was left with just the glass. I fitted my gallon-size freezer bag in the blender w/the top of the bag folded over the top of the blender. This provided a nearly perfect space to fill my bags mess-free (I say nearly perfect because some of my bags were too full & I had to take them out of the blender to fit everything). First I added my vegetables, then I added any liquid I was freezing (I think that just applied to the Tomato Basil soup where I had to add some of the liquid from the canned tomatoes), then seasonings, & finally the meat. Then I double bagged everything & layered it in my freezer. Easy Peasy.
Finished Product!
One other note about Crock-Pot recipes. A lot of them call for certain cuts of meat or certain vegetables. Most of the time it's not a problem to substitute things out to accommodate what you already have on hand. For instance: if a recipe calls for chicken breast cut into 1-inch cubes and all you have is drumsticks or chicken leg quarters, no worries. Just stick it on the bottom (so it's covered & surrounded by the heat), cook it for awhile, then pull it out, shred it, & replace it. More than anything, make sure it's cooked all the way. The good news is that you really can't overcook anything. It might get extra mushy, but eh, it's the crockpot, it's probably already mushy. Also, I wasn't planning to put eggplant or zucchini in this recipe when I started, but I had some leftover from the Mediterranean Stew so I figured, Why Not? No reason to let that go to waste!
Crockpot Curry with Chicken
1 16oz pkg frozen cauliflower
1 cup chopped onion
2 cups sliced carrot
1 cup celery
1/2 cup green beans
1 cup eggplant, 1-in cubes
1 sliced zucchini
1 tbsp minced garlic (or 1 clove minced garlic)
2 tbsp Patak's Mild Curry Paste (this is a paste of the basic curry spices, I found it at my local Harris Teeter supermarket)
1 chicken leg quarter
1 can of coconut milk
1 cup chicken broth
Put all of your veggies in a gallon size bag, add garlic & curry paste. I kept my chicken in a separate bag because it wouldn't fit.
Day of: dump bag into crockpot, add broth & coconut milk. Cook on Hi 4-5 hrs or Lo 8-10. Serve it over rice or with Naan.
On each bag, I wrote the name of the recipe, any instructions, and the date. "Chicken Curry. Add 1 can coconut milk + 1 c. chicken broth. Hi 4-5 Lo 8-10. Serve w/rice or naan. 3-10-12"
Monday, February 20, 2012
Treadmill or Everest?
So. Parenting.
I'll just go ahead and say that some days I feel like an awesome mom. Other days I feel like pretty much the worst [insert role here] in the world (mom, wife, person). But I always love my kids. And I always. Always. feel like there are more things to do.
It seems like no matter how many dishes I wash or clothes I fold there are still at least 3 more things on my To Do list, or at least my "I should do those soon" list. In the past I've compared these keeping-house tasks to being on a treadmill because there's always further to go and it feels like you don't actually get anywhere.
Recently I've had two insights into this mindset.
1) Could it be that the "treadmill" of keeping house & parenting is actually a picture of Kingdom work? There is always more work to be done in my heart, in my home, & in my neighborhood. If I learn to be "faithful in little", not over-working at home but striking a balance of work & rest with my family & the Lord, perhaps I will be "faithful in much" as I work for the Kingdom.
2) I recently read a blog that compared parenting to climbing Mount Everest. It is SO. HARD. and yet when our babies are grown & we reminisce about this time, we will cherish the memories and rejoice in raising this kids that we have (Lord-willing).
I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to see parenting less as a treadmill & more like climbing Mount Everest. It feels like it will take forever, but I know one day (again, Lord-willing) my boys will be grown up and my place in their lives as sole caregiver will come to an end. I also want to see parenting as a picture of my role in the Lord's kingdom. I want to be faithful in this.
I want to trust that the Lord will take care of what I can't.
I'll just go ahead and say that some days I feel like an awesome mom. Other days I feel like pretty much the worst [insert role here] in the world (mom, wife, person). But I always love my kids. And I always. Always. feel like there are more things to do.
It seems like no matter how many dishes I wash or clothes I fold there are still at least 3 more things on my To Do list, or at least my "I should do those soon" list. In the past I've compared these keeping-house tasks to being on a treadmill because there's always further to go and it feels like you don't actually get anywhere.
Recently I've had two insights into this mindset.
1) Could it be that the "treadmill" of keeping house & parenting is actually a picture of Kingdom work? There is always more work to be done in my heart, in my home, & in my neighborhood. If I learn to be "faithful in little", not over-working at home but striking a balance of work & rest with my family & the Lord, perhaps I will be "faithful in much" as I work for the Kingdom.
2) I recently read a blog that compared parenting to climbing Mount Everest. It is SO. HARD. and yet when our babies are grown & we reminisce about this time, we will cherish the memories and rejoice in raising this kids that we have (Lord-willing).
I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to see parenting less as a treadmill & more like climbing Mount Everest. It feels like it will take forever, but I know one day (again, Lord-willing) my boys will be grown up and my place in their lives as sole caregiver will come to an end. I also want to see parenting as a picture of my role in the Lord's kingdom. I want to be faithful in this.
I want to trust that the Lord will take care of what I can't.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Inspiration
As most mothers can attest, sometimes you need some inspiration. Or you'll go insane. Quickly. I recently found inspiration from another blogger; she blogs in a number of places, but the one I found funniest was www.crappypictures.typepad.com. She writes another one but I can't find the URL for it right now. It's about their homeschooling voyage. A few things really stood out to me.
1) She wrote a post about Living Time instead of Killing Time. My time as a mother of young kids is limited & I should chose to treasure my time with them rather than counting down the time until dinner... and bed time (I know, I know, easier said than done, but convicting nonetheless).
2) She made a number of good points about Homeschooling which is continuing to spark a mental debate in me. I have lots of pros & cons about it & would love to chat with you if you have ever thought about it.
3) She had a "Yes Day" with her kids. Rather than saying "no" to things over and over that are inconvenient, she said "yes". I think we all do this. We want to avoid making messes (really, cleaning up the mess) or we're impatient to get somewhere so we hurry past teaching opportunities.
I didn't have a "Yes Day" today... but I did decide that I would make an effort to say "yes" to things even when they're inconvenient to me. That I would begin to take advantage of teaching opportunities & also allow the Lord to foster more patience in me.
Today Nathan met me at work with the boys so that I could take them home and he could start work (I'll post about work later... I'm super excited about it). On our one-block walk to the van Liam was in a stroller & James was "helping" push. For some reason, he thought it'd be funny to stop every 5 steps and sit down on the sidewalk. "Whoa!" he'd say, as if his act was utterly convincing. It wasn't. But it was utterly adorable.
I was tempted to hurry him along, but instead I let him stop to smell the "flowuhs" (flowers.... they were really weeds, but hey). We stopped so that he could touch the trashcan (gross).
Then we stopped to look in the shop fronts & identify the store front numbers.
Finally, we stopped to dig in a small hole in the pavement.
Well, that wasn't really the last time we stopped. That was just the last time I took a picture. We also stopped & talked to a nice man who was sitting outside a coffee shop. James was excited to try to climb into a chair at one of the tables but by that time I was feeling a rather... ahem pressing urge to use the facilities & I decided at that point that I needed to say "let's go" rather than "yes" to his wanderings.
1) She wrote a post about Living Time instead of Killing Time. My time as a mother of young kids is limited & I should chose to treasure my time with them rather than counting down the time until dinner... and bed time (I know, I know, easier said than done, but convicting nonetheless).
2) She made a number of good points about Homeschooling which is continuing to spark a mental debate in me. I have lots of pros & cons about it & would love to chat with you if you have ever thought about it.
3) She had a "Yes Day" with her kids. Rather than saying "no" to things over and over that are inconvenient, she said "yes". I think we all do this. We want to avoid making messes (really, cleaning up the mess) or we're impatient to get somewhere so we hurry past teaching opportunities.
I didn't have a "Yes Day" today... but I did decide that I would make an effort to say "yes" to things even when they're inconvenient to me. That I would begin to take advantage of teaching opportunities & also allow the Lord to foster more patience in me.
Today Nathan met me at work with the boys so that I could take them home and he could start work (I'll post about work later... I'm super excited about it). On our one-block walk to the van Liam was in a stroller & James was "helping" push. For some reason, he thought it'd be funny to stop every 5 steps and sit down on the sidewalk. "Whoa!" he'd say, as if his act was utterly convincing. It wasn't. But it was utterly adorable.
I was tempted to hurry him along, but instead I let him stop to smell the "flowuhs" (flowers.... they were really weeds, but hey). We stopped so that he could touch the trashcan (gross).
Then we stopped to look in the shop fronts & identify the store front numbers.
Finally, we stopped to dig in a small hole in the pavement.
Well, that wasn't really the last time we stopped. That was just the last time I took a picture. We also stopped & talked to a nice man who was sitting outside a coffee shop. James was excited to try to climb into a chair at one of the tables but by that time I was feeling a rather... ahem pressing urge to use the facilities & I decided at that point that I needed to say "let's go" rather than "yes" to his wanderings.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Around the house...
James has been feeling a little under the weather lately. READ: James has a runny nose & has been super cranky the past few days. Today I was talking to Nathan on the phone (he's been out of town for a friend's wedding) and James decided he needed a snack.
He goes over to our metal pantry shelf & finds a few empty beer bottles waiting to be recycled. "James, don't drink out of the beer bottles. Yucky! Yucky! Yucky!" Oh my. I attempt to coax him into the living room & he's distracted by an appetizing bowl of bananas. Let me tell you, if you're a banana, you do not want James to find you in a dark lonely alley. He will mess you up. I've caught James (on more than one occasion) with a banana... the tip has been bitten off & he's second-knuckle deep with his finger through the peel.
I managed to get to the bananas before they suffered any bodily harm but of course that infuriated James. At this point, my conversation with Nathan is down the toilet. There's just no point continuing over all the snot & sobbing. So we say goodbye & agree that Nathan will call after his plane lands. James is inconsolable. I keep pleading with him, "Use your words! Do you want a snack, say 'snack please'", etc. I make a number of suggestions & he mumbles "milk", "muwus" (muffins), & "wa wa" (water). Finally he calms down, looks around the room & declares "TAINS" aka "trains". Then "pay tains" (Play trains). He has now been quietly playing with his trains for 5-10 minutes.
I guess he just needed some inspiration.
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