Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Cora Ann

One year ago was Cora's due date. She would've been one today (or around today). Missing her doesn't diminish my love for Annia and loving Annia doesn't mean I don't still miss Cora. The heart is complicated.

We miscarried in July just a few months after losing Samuel. I don't believe the Lord caused it to happen but I do know that he used that awful, heartrending loss to do a powerful work in me. I'm a better person for Cora's time on earth. Her short life wrecked my view of God and upended all of my preconceived ideas about how he works. My faith in him is stronger now than it ever was before.

I recently had a moment in the middle of a study on parenthood where I just sat back and realized that I am thankful for Samuel and Cora. For a long time I wondered why the Lord even let us get pregnant if we were just going to lose those babies. But now I think about how their value as people isn't less because they spent such a short time on earth. What a narrow view that would be. We will be a family with them in heaven.

My heart has been changed by each of my five children. My body has too. I carry stretch marks and extra pounds from the three kids who are still here. But those marks encourage me to admire and value my body. My body grew humans, birthed them, and fed them. That. Is. Amazing. And also... my body didn't grow two humans. It lost them. My body couldn't keep those two babies inside. Sometimes I feel like my body betrayed me.

Today I'm sad. I'm sad that I'm not planning a birthday party. I'm not making a special cake for my special girl. I'm not celebrating milestones like her first steps or first words. 

Instead, I'm looking at the one picture I have of her, an ultrasound print from 6w6d, just a day or two before we miscarried. I'm writing her a letter and asking the Lord to give her a hug and kiss from her Mama. I'm shedding some tears and ignoring most everyone. I'm thankful for the people who remember what this day means to me and text me to let me know they're thinking of me. And I'm planning to buy a few cupcakes to remember her "birthday" with her father.

I love you, Cora Ann. Mama misses you.

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